DR. EVIL: Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it look like Prince Charles, the heir to the throne, has had an affair outside of marriage and, therefore, they would have to divorce.
(There is an uncomfortable silence.)
NUMBER TWO: Um, Dr. Evil, Prince Charles did have an affair. He admitted it and they are now divorced.
DR. EVIL: People have to tell me these things. I've been frozen for thirty years, throw me a bone here. OK, no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the Sixties I had a weather changing machine that was in essence a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using this laser, we punch a hole in the protective layer around the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is, unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.
(There is another uncomfortable silence.)
NUMBER TWO: Umm, that also has already happened.
DR. EVIL: Right. (pause) Oh, hell, let's just do what we always do. Let's hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage.
President Bush: Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called the "Surge." I propose we send some troops into Iraq to defeat evil and win the war on terror.
(An uncomfortable silence)
Number Two: Um, sir, we already tried that. It didn't work.
President Bush: Well, promote whoever was in charge of that plan that didn't work.
Number Two: That would be you sir.
President Bush: Then I'll promote myself to president for life.
Number Two: I don't think you can do that. It's not constitutional.
President Bush: What's that?
Number Two: Never mind.
President Bush: I'll just do it by a signing statement. No worries.
Number Two: Getting back to your plan, don't you think a few more troops now is too little too late
? Shouldn't you have sent a larger force four years ago?
President Bush: Four years ago I was young and irresponsible. Now I'm older and irresponsible. Besides, all I'm doing is keeping this thing going for "two or three years"
so I can blame the Democrats or the next President for pulling the plug. I have an eye towards history. Not that history will look back and say we turned Iraq into a Jeffersonian democracy but that it will say I didn't lose the war - somebody else did. That's the best outcome now and so I need to send more brave soldiers to the front.
Number Two: What about what the American people think? Didn't the 2006 elections send you a message?
President Bush: I don't read messages. They get in the way of the voices in my head. And those voices are telling me I'm the decider and so messages from the American people only confuse my already confusing decision making process. Is that confusing?
Number Two: Well how are we going to explain this "surge?"
President Bush: We'll do what we always do. We'll scare the crap out of people that if we don't do this they be eaten by wolves. Islamofascist wolves. Yeah that sounds better. I mean take a look at today's headline - "Gas-like odor permeates Manhattan
." Could be terrorism, right?
Number Two: Yeah, but New York always smells that way.
President Bush: Good, then we'll always have a terror alert ready to go. Now let the word go forth from this place that I feel the urge to "surge."