Monday, March 13, 2006

Things I learned this weekend

Gale Norton resigned as Secretary of the Interior and the resignation had nothing, I repeat nothing, to do with the Jack Abramoff bribery scandal.

Katherine Harris, the infamous former Florida Secretary of State who co-chaired W's re-election campaign there and ruled him the winner in 2000, is now a Congresswoman and running for U.S. Senate. Unfortunately she learned how D.C. works a little too fast and will probably drop out of the Senate race this week and it has nothing, I repeat nothing, to do with the "Duke" Cunningham bribery scandal.

Donald Rumsfeld, the insufferable Robert McNamara look-alike, physically and policy-wise, is worth a lot more than I ever imagined. The hook of the story was that Rumsfeld, a former board member and chairman of Gilead Sciences has cashed in $5 million of Gilead stock and has somewhere around $25 million of additional shares. It just so happens Gilead makes Tamiflu which it just so happens is being pushed as preventing bird flu. Bet if Rumsfeld were a large shareholder of ACME Sciences and they made "flu-be-gone" I'm sure world governments would be buying that. A rough addition of his assets listed in the article suggest Rumsfeld is worth over $180 million. Maybe he could use some of the money to either buy body armor for his troops or a coherent plan.

But there's no question my favorite story is that White House Domestic Policy advisor Claude Allen was arrested for refund fraud, a felony. To be fair he resigned abruptly in February not because of his connection to some scandal but because of his own. This story is a beaut. Where do I begin. Allen, who worked tirelessly for Jesse Helms, the State of Virgina and the White House to drag health care services, sex/abstinence education, school prayer and abortion policies back into the middle ages was making $161,000 a year as W's right hand man on these issues. He did branch out to coordinate the White House response to Hurricane Katrina because who best to deal with a biblical disaster than someone who not only believes in biblical disasters but responds as a biblical figure would - with prayer. To really get a good flavor of what a loon this guy is and to feel good about enjoying bad things happening to bad people read this. Actually the most shocking thing is that W was going to get this mope a lifetime appointment to a Federal Appeals Court (not even simply a district court) before the Democrats blocked it. I guess stealing toasters won't help his chances for a similar job in the future. But with this bunch of "proud to be Republican and corrupt" failing upwards is the norm.

I also learned that after watching Nanny 911 I should be up for parent of the year. In the most shocking episode I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot, toddlers eating from the pig food dish, mommy keeps a 130 lbs. pot-belly pig in its own room in the house, and drinking from the cat water bowl were fine with mommy and daddy. And that was the least appalling thing I saw. I'll spare you the flinging of poop from diapers situation on the show but rest assured, you are a better parent than you think.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Come on...those aren't stories. Now HERE is a STORY!!!

OSLO (AP) — It almost seemed like a miracle to Haldis Gundersen when she turned on her kitchen faucet this weekend and found the water had turned into beer.
Two flights down, employees and customers at the Big Tower Bar were horrified when water poured out of the beer taps.

By an improbable feat of clumsy plumbing, someone at the bar in Kristiandsund, western Norway, had accidentally hooked the beer hoses to the water pipes for Gundersen's apartment.

"We had settled down for a cozy Saturday evening, had a nice dinner, and I was just going to clean up a little," Gundersen, 50, told The Associated Press by telephone Monday. "I turned on the kitchen faucet and beer came out."

However, Gundersen said the beer was flat and not tempting, even in a country where a half-liter (pint) can cost about 25 kroner ($3.75) in grocery stores.

Per Egil Myrvang, of the local beer distributor, said he helped bartenders reconnect the pipes by telephone.

"The water and beer pipes do touch each other, but you have to be really creative to connect them together," he told local newspapers.

Gundersen joked about having the pub send up free beer for her next party.

"But maybe it would be easier if they just invited me down for a beer," she said.

2:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And another...

CORALVILLE, Iowa (AP) - A man died in a mobile home fire Sunday night that apparently was related to fireworks being shot off inside, authorities said.

A body was found near the rear of the mobile home, Coralville Fire Chief David Stannard said. The identification of the victim was pending, he said.

The fire broke out about 7:15 p.m. and burned quickly, a neighbor said.

Shannon Kacena said a man inside the mobile home had been shooting off fireworks. He opened the door of the home periodically and threw fireworks outside, Kacena said.

One exploded under a car in front of the home, she said. She said she kept hearing fireworks and looked outside again and saw flames coming out of a window.

She called 911, but said the mobile home was engulfed within minutes.

...while I don't have any proof of this, I'm guessing Mr. Pyrotechnics was tipping back a few beers at the time of his finale. If I close my eyes real tight and picture those last few moments, I can almost hear the sound of the orchestra playing "Stars and Strips Forever" in perfect synchronization.

4:32 PM  
Blogger phinky said...

WOw, the trolls are attacking.

I wouldn't be too worried about Claude Allen, he'll probably find think tank welfare. The same goes for Gail Norton.

6:58 PM  

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