I'm better off dead

I give up. I crank out my cranky thoughts every weekday seeking not fame and fortune, although I wouldn't be against it, but rather to speak to a large audience. To give people something to think about it and if I blog it right maybe in a way they hadn't considered. I guess I should just "die" myself, have my wife take pictures of me and post them on a blog and get hundreds of thousands of hits, an award and an agent.

Chuck Lamb became Dead Body Guy on Dec. 5, when he put up his Web site, DeadBodyGuy.com. The site features photos of Lamb playing dead in various scenes around his house. Crushed by his garage door. Electrocuted in the bathtub. One series shows Lamb lying face-down in a bowl of chicken soup. His wife took the photos.

Some people dream of being a doctor or an astronaut or president but Lamb had a more modest dream - he always wanted to become a famous actor. Alas, things didn't go to plan and Lamb, age 47, father of six, is a computer programmer with bags under his eyes, pale skin, precious little hair and no acting experience. No problem.

In a Newtonish eureka moment Lamb realized that anybody could play dead. By posing as a corpse on the Internet, he thought, perhaps he could win a role as a lifeless extra on "CSI: Miami." He took two days to build the Web site, then waited for someone to notice. In its first three weeks, DeadBodyGuy.com received 300,000 hits! Are you f-ing kidding me? I've been going for nine months and have barely 300 hits.

CNN labeled DeadBodyGuy one of its Web sites of the week. USA Today ran a small story. Lamb has been deluged with interview requests. The Dead Body Guy soon appeared on more than 100 local TV stations, in places like Nacogdoches, Tex., and Honolulu. He has also been mentioned on more than 300 radio shows. Lamb has also been invited to the Los Angeles Film Festival in June, where he will be presented with the Special Achievement Award for Self-Promotion. He also will play dead on the red carpet as film actors step over his body.

Lamb hired a publicist for $35 to write his first press release and now she is trying to represent him as he sends demo tapes to Jay Leno and "Saturday Night Live." He is waiting to hear back from a producer at the Conan O'Brien show and has booked a flight to New York to meet with an agent.

Could Lamb be the next Kevin Costner? Maybe since Costner got one of his first movie roles playing a corpse in the opening credits of The Big Chill. Sounds crazy? No crazier than Iran hosting a conference on the Holocaust although its official government's position is that the Holocaust is a myth.

I'd rant more but I have to plan my conference on inner happiness and my fake death. Then maybe I'll get some attention.