Mano-a-Chipmunk.
A few months ago I noticed a perfectly round hole tunneled into the dirt at the edge of my patio. I thought it might be a snake hole or something when in fact it was a chipmunk den. What do I know about nature or rather varmints? I'm more comfortable in the Apple store than the woods. I had a brick patio put in to replace the "patio" that was already there. I'm being generous when I say there was a "patio" there since it was really a bunch of loose bricks placed into the ground which became quite the eyesore/trip hazard. 
After looking at it for too long I paid thousands of dollars to have a real brick patio put in. The guys who did it did a great job. I took pictures (see photos) of before, during and after the construction. They put like nine inches of crushed gravel and base gravel down. A layer of sand went on before the bricks. It turned out solid and level. It was firm enough to park a car on it. I would grill out there and when I had a free moment I would read a paper and drink lemonade. Then it showed up. The chipmunk.
At first I had no idea what I was dealing with since I've never dealt with chipmunks before. Weasels and rats yes but always in human form. I tried pushing dirt back into the hole but I soon found out that was a waste of time. It dug through that like it wasn't there. This is what the chipmunk was designed for and I don't mean intelligently designed for. It is a digging machine that is relentless. If I told you I filled up its tunnel with rocks everyday and it dug it out everyday for a couple of months I'm probably understating it. I tried placing wood sheets down to discourage the pest. It just dug under the wood to get to the tunnel. More wood and bricks placed down on the ground had no affect. Somewhere along the way, it's all a blur to me now like battle, I googled, "How to kill a chipmunk." The first hit I got I read all about chipmunks. The more I read the more I realized how serious this was. This thing lives for years and will never leave on its own. It's tunnel could be 30 feet long with different chambers for storage or for sleep. It will have offspring and they too will be impossible to get rid of. They will burrow under patios until bricks buckle and destroy the patio. That sick feeling in my stomach wasn't the bean burrito I had for lunch. I put myself on a war footing. This was my 9/11.
I failed to follow the Powell Doctrine of using overwhelming force. I followed the Bush Doctrine of using just enough force to lose. I ordered a cage trap with a trigger plate in the center and doors on each end. I waited a couple of days and when I got the trap I put peanut butter on the trigger plate and set the trap. All it did was give the chipmunk a meal since the trap didn't trigger. When it rained hard the rain triggered the trap but not when the chipmunk walked through it. I went back to the website and read more. I ordered the pecan paste and liquid poison. Your days are numbered chipmunk. I hope you like the taste of poison. Tonight you dine in hell.
I waited a few more days and when I got my smart bomb I mixed them together and put them in two snack-sized zip-lock bags. They usually held goldfish crackers but now they hold a trip to chipmunk neverland. I placed the baggies in the now two holes on the edge of my patio and waited. The next day I saw one baggie had a few gnaw marks on it. The next day there was just a pool of goop in the holes like a moat. I thought well he ate through the baggie and got to the poisoned jam and thats that. Wrong. Unless it had a twin brother it was still here. I could almost hear him laughing at me. It's hard to sleep when a malevolent chipmunk is in its tunnel beneath your patio laughing at you.
I went back on the "how to kill a chipmunk" website. I read through again the arsenal available to kill a chipmunk. In my desperation I ordered coyote urine. Yes, you read that right. Coyote urine. Seemed to make sense. It's a predator that eats things like chipmunks and marking the area with its scent through urine might do it. The website said it would work so in the year 2007 I did something I could never dream I would ever do in any year - I had a quart of coyote urine shipped UPS from Georgia. (At least it wasn't a gallon.) When it got here it looked like a jug of apple cider wrapped multiple times in plastic with the cap sealed with lots of shipping tape. You could smell it through all the packaging. If you want to have an immediate gag reflex and come as close to throwing up without actually hurling then get a quart of coyote urine and try to transfer it into a spray bottle. Guaranteed to make you dry heave. Sprayed it like crazy around the chipmunk tunnel opening. I sealed the pee in layers of plastic and went in my house thinking the chipmunk will get one whiff and run for its life. Any guesses if that happened? Didn't do a thing. It probably thought, "oh, another suburbanite buying that coyote urine. What an idiot." My rage increased to stroke levels.
I went to another site and ordered another trap. One that had only one door and a trigger plate. I waited a few days and the minute I got it I put a strawberry in the back of the trap and set it and waited. Within 10 minutes the chipmunk was casing the fruit. It walked all the way around the trap but didn't go in. It started to try to get to the strawberry through the metal cage instead of walking through it over the trigger plate to get o the food. This was incredible. It actually got a bite through the metal bars. I opened a door and it ran. When it came back again it walked all the way around the trap and walked by the open end to try to eat it through the metal cage. These varmints are smart. Back to the website for more weapons.
WMDs. The stuff we couldn't find in Iraq I found. Sulfur sticks. When I know the monster in in its lair I light the gas stick and kill it with sulfur clouds of death that will seek out the rodent even if it's 30 feet in the tunnel. I read that you could also use a road flare and just stick it in the hole but somehow I think with my luck the red flame thing will somehow burn down my house. I place another order. While waiting for my order I get the idea of putting glue traps around the tunnel opening with a dab of peanut butter for bait. My intention was to get the chipmunk stuck and then put him and the glue trap into the cage trap - transport him miles away and then pour vegetable oil on him to release him from the glue. (Yes that works.) I placed by glue traps and within 15 minutes I saw him licking the peanut butter off one of the traps carefully avoiding the glue part. Unreal. Then it seemed to touch the glue and not like it. It wasn't caught but it started to smell and lick its little paws as if to try to clean them. Then it made a mistake. It walked around the trap but got stuck. Then it flayed about getting more caught. I ran outside to put it into the cage trap. When I got there it had gotten tangled up in the lattice work of an overturned table used before and unsuccessfully to block the hole. It looked like it might be able to tear itself away from the glue trap leaving the sticky cardboard behind stuck to the table.
I tried, I really tried to get him into the open cage trap but he was jumping around in terror. I thought it might break free from the trap and fear of losing my Moby Dick made my heart beat fast. Then a murderous rage came over me. It was either him or me. I raised the cage trap over my head and down it came, over and over onto the body of the soon to be dead chipmunk. I later figured out that the red chunks of goo weren't exploded chipmunk organs but the strawberry that was in the trap/blunt murder weapon that had broke apart during the assault. It was a crime of passion and I'm sure no jury would convict me. And then looking at the newly deceased little brown furry gerbil-like creature a bit of guilt hit me. All it wanted to do was eat a berry and a nut and not get killed. I even argued my case with my wife. "I tried to take him alive but he wouldn't cooperate."
I filled up the tunnel I hope for the last time and cleared the battlefield of weapons used and unused. Mission accomplished and I have the body to prove it. Anyone need some sulfur sticks? They're on a UPS truck as we speak. Rest in peace Alvin. You were a worthy opponent but only one of us could live here. Forgive me.
After looking at it for too long I paid thousands of dollars to have a real brick patio put in. The guys who did it did a great job. I took pictures (see photos) of before, during and after the construction. They put like nine inches of crushed gravel and base gravel down. A layer of sand went on before the bricks. It turned out solid and level. It was firm enough to park a car on it. I would grill out there and when I had a free moment I would read a paper and drink lemonade. Then it showed up. The chipmunk. 
At first I had no idea what I was dealing with since I've never dealt with chipmunks before. Weasels and rats yes but always in human form. I tried pushing dirt back into the hole but I soon found out that was a waste of time. It dug through that like it wasn't there. This is what the chipmunk was designed for and I don't mean intelligently designed for. It is a digging machine that is relentless. If I told you I filled up its tunnel with rocks everyday and it dug it out everyday for a couple of months I'm probably understating it. I tried placing wood sheets down to discourage the pest. It just dug under the wood to get to the tunnel. More wood and bricks placed down on the ground had no affect. Somewhere along the way, it's all a blur to me now like battle, I googled, "How to kill a chipmunk." The first hit I got I read all about chipmunks. The more I read the more I realized how serious this was. This thing lives for years and will never leave on its own. It's tunnel could be 30 feet long with different chambers for storage or for sleep. It will have offspring and they too will be impossible to get rid of. They will burrow under patios until bricks buckle and destroy the patio. That sick feeling in my stomach wasn't the bean burrito I had for lunch. I put myself on a war footing. This was my 9/11.
I failed to follow the Powell Doctrine of using overwhelming force. I followed the Bush Doctrine of using just enough force to lose. I ordered a cage trap with a trigger plate in the center and doors on each end. I waited a couple of days and when I got the trap I put peanut butter on the trigger plate and set the trap. All it did was give the chipmunk a meal since the trap didn't trigger. When it rained hard the rain triggered the trap but not when the chipmunk walked through it. I went back to the website and read more. I ordered the pecan paste and liquid poison. Your days are numbered chipmunk. I hope you like the taste of poison. Tonight you dine in hell.
I waited a few more days and when I got my smart bomb I mixed them together and put them in two snack-sized zip-lock bags. They usually held goldfish crackers but now they hold a trip to chipmunk neverland. I placed the baggies in the now two holes on the edge of my patio and waited. The next day I saw one baggie had a few gnaw marks on it. The next day there was just a pool of goop in the holes like a moat. I thought well he ate through the baggie and got to the poisoned jam and thats that. Wrong. Unless it had a twin brother it was still here. I could almost hear him laughing at me. It's hard to sleep when a malevolent chipmunk is in its tunnel beneath your patio laughing at you.
I went back on the "how to kill a chipmunk" website. I read through again the arsenal available to kill a chipmunk. In my desperation I ordered coyote urine. Yes, you read that right. Coyote urine. Seemed to make sense. It's a predator that eats things like chipmunks and marking the area with its scent through urine might do it. The website said it would work so in the year 2007 I did something I could never dream I would ever do in any year - I had a quart of coyote urine shipped UPS from Georgia. (At least it wasn't a gallon.) When it got here it looked like a jug of apple cider wrapped multiple times in plastic with the cap sealed with lots of shipping tape. You could smell it through all the packaging. If you want to have an immediate gag reflex and come as close to throwing up without actually hurling then get a quart of coyote urine and try to transfer it into a spray bottle. Guaranteed to make you dry heave. Sprayed it like crazy around the chipmunk tunnel opening. I sealed the pee in layers of plastic and went in my house thinking the chipmunk will get one whiff and run for its life. Any guesses if that happened? Didn't do a thing. It probably thought, "oh, another suburbanite buying that coyote urine. What an idiot." My rage increased to stroke levels.
I went to another site and ordered another trap. One that had only one door and a trigger plate. I waited a few days and the minute I got it I put a strawberry in the back of the trap and set it and waited. Within 10 minutes the chipmunk was casing the fruit. It walked all the way around the trap but didn't go in. It started to try to get to the strawberry through the metal cage instead of walking through it over the trigger plate to get o the food. This was incredible. It actually got a bite through the metal bars. I opened a door and it ran. When it came back again it walked all the way around the trap and walked by the open end to try to eat it through the metal cage. These varmints are smart. Back to the website for more weapons.
WMDs. The stuff we couldn't find in Iraq I found. Sulfur sticks. When I know the monster in in its lair I light the gas stick and kill it with sulfur clouds of death that will seek out the rodent even if it's 30 feet in the tunnel. I read that you could also use a road flare and just stick it in the hole but somehow I think with my luck the red flame thing will somehow burn down my house. I place another order. While waiting for my order I get the idea of putting glue traps around the tunnel opening with a dab of peanut butter for bait. My intention was to get the chipmunk stuck and then put him and the glue trap into the cage trap - transport him miles away and then pour vegetable oil on him to release him from the glue. (Yes that works.) I placed by glue traps and within 15 minutes I saw him licking the peanut butter off one of the traps carefully avoiding the glue part. Unreal. Then it seemed to touch the glue and not like it. It wasn't caught but it started to smell and lick its little paws as if to try to clean them. Then it made a mistake. It walked around the trap but got stuck. Then it flayed about getting more caught. I ran outside to put it into the cage trap. When I got there it had gotten tangled up in the lattice work of an overturned table used before and unsuccessfully to block the hole. It looked like it might be able to tear itself away from the glue trap leaving the sticky cardboard behind stuck to the table.
I tried, I really tried to get him into the open cage trap but he was jumping around in terror. I thought it might break free from the trap and fear of losing my Moby Dick made my heart beat fast. Then a murderous rage came over me. It was either him or me. I raised the cage trap over my head and down it came, over and over onto the body of the soon to be dead chipmunk. I later figured out that the red chunks of goo weren't exploded chipmunk organs but the strawberry that was in the trap/blunt murder weapon that had broke apart during the assault. It was a crime of passion and I'm sure no jury would convict me. And then looking at the newly deceased little brown furry gerbil-like creature a bit of guilt hit me. All it wanted to do was eat a berry and a nut and not get killed. I even argued my case with my wife. "I tried to take him alive but he wouldn't cooperate."
I filled up the tunnel I hope for the last time and cleared the battlefield of weapons used and unused. Mission accomplished and I have the body to prove it. Anyone need some sulfur sticks? They're on a UPS truck as we speak. Rest in peace Alvin. You were a worthy opponent but only one of us could live here. Forgive me.
posted by Crankyboy at 5:57 PM
43 Comments:
Cranky,
I had a mouse a few years ago, and bought the traps that keep them alive, to then release it into the wild, which I did, so I can relate. This is a warm, cute, and funny story, and try as you might, the allusions to our current political morass were not lost. Thanks for the post. I'm going to cross link to it. Hope you are well -- you sound more, er, relaxed. :)
PS. Wasn't the irrepresible villian in the original Caddyshack a Chipmonk? I can't remember how it ended, but I remember he outsmarted his would-be captors more times than not, LOL!
You sound like a creep.
I like chipmunks, they never hurt any thing and they are fun to have around.
I would be ashamed if this stupid story is true.
Skip, I may sound like a creep but it's better than being one. Know what I mean? Read this, print it out and then cram it up your ass:
Chipmunks can be a problem several ways. Each case is different, but they all start the same. One day, a chipmunk is seen foraging in the yard. The
homeowner leaves the animal to do as it likes not
realizing what will happen. Soon, this one chipmunk becomes many. This increase in population leads to problems from the chipmunks behavior. If you have chipmunks in your yard, here are some of the problems you might expect to have happen.
1) Chipmunks eating garden vegetables and fruits
2) Chipmunks eating from bird feeders.
3) Chipmunks chewing on cable lines, air conditioning pipes and electric lines.
4) Chipmunks burrowing into the ground which leads to water undermining patio slabs, driveways and foundation walls. This undermining will eventually lead to water getting inside your home, cracked cement slabs and broken driveways.
5) Flowers, bulbs and other plants being eaten or
dug up.
6) Flea problems developing on the chipmunks and then ultimately becoming for pets and people.
7) The possibility of diseases such as plague,
Rocky Mountain spotted fever or the Powassan
virus to be transmitted to you or your family
increases with these animals being around.
8) Flower beds, retaining walls and trees have been
tunneled and burrowed into leading to water
problems. For flower beds and trees, this excessive water will lead to fungus and water rot. This ultimately will lead to the plant becoming diseased or sick. Retaining walls which are tunneled through will become weak and damaged leading to repair quicker than normal.
9) Burrows made against the home will lead to a
quicker breakdown of any termiticide barrier.
10)Snake infestations. Chipmunks will inevitably
attract snakes which will come looking for the
chipmunks for food.
Number one, you can not prove to me that chipmunks are 'bad'.
I have lived around them my whole life, and enjoy their chirping, and the other noises they make.
They are charming little creatures.
I am pro chipmunk.
Chipmunks are not foreign invaders. They were here before you were, and a lot of fun to observe.
Just a suggestion. Next time leave the chipmunk alone.
Here I have wild boar, alligators, bobcats, rattlers, coral snakes, fire ants, tree rats, Burmese pythons, and poisonous spiders the size of a man's hand and you worry about chipmunks? We have insects that would swallow one of those things, if the land crabs didn't get him first.
The problem, of course is that all the predators are gone up there and so everything from chipmunks to deer overpopulates and starves.
Funny though that Skip would have compassion for a rodent, as do I, and yet advocate a revolution that could leave millions dead.
Fog you idiot, what part of my group not advocating or supporting violence do you not understand ?
You may support the dumbed down, and pathetic system ( you are a politician type that defends our dysfunctional system )-- and of course part of that role, is disinformation, blowing your own abstract belief horn, etc.
Chipmunks survive nicely on almost nothing. I see them out my window often.
They are skittish, and once in a while a neighborhood cat will nail one.
Killing them is easy, they become frightened easily, and as said, it seems like a real pity to kill these noble little creatures, that are fun to watch.
Oh Fog, you dope, in case you did not notice the death count in Iraq is now over a million. All done by the stupid ass political system that you pimp for. Ha ha.
I'm appalled to some degree. No doubt you've done your research, but I've lived with a chipmunk under my patio bricks for a few years, and always delighted in seeing him pop up and skamper around.
I think Chippy was done in by one of the neighborhood cats. Your method - going to total war - seems... excessive. And I am an advocate of chemical warfare. But you have to live with the results.
I see the NAACP is defending Michael Vick, i.e. innocent before guilty. When are the PETA libs going to wake up and realize that dog fighting is an African-American sub-cultural thing (and I'm sure plenty of whites are involved as well), and not some sick stunt made up just by Vick. Vick and his brother Marcus are both punks, but how abiut the free passes all sorts of pro athletes get after beating their wives or girlfriends. Pit bulls are vicious anyway. Good job on the chipmunk, Cranky! Skip - you're obviously a true nut case. You have to be to make Capt. Fogg seem mainstream. Communism in the guise of technocracy. Hmmmm..... Bet the Muslims will love it! Most of your carpos is deliberately unintelligible.
Skipster, I'm willing to bet you don't think twice when ingesting a piece of dead animal - so next time you munch on a cow, chicken or turkey, perhaps you'll reconsider your comments about the merits of a rodent.
That's right Skip - I'm a certainly a politician and I pimp for the system and I'm an idiot too, just like everyone; or at least you wish all that were true, so your simplistic bullshit would make sense to more than the handful of disaffected economic Luddites.
Face it, you're a one trick, foil-cap, mouth foaming fanatic who never changes the subject. You infect a thousand blogs and social networks and god knows what else just trying to get someone to listen to you pimp for this oligarchy of self selected "scientists" who run a perfect world according to a perfect dogma; where nobody has money and the lion lies down with the lamb - and where, by coincidence, Skip Sievert is no longer a loser.
It doesn't matter what your "group" (and didn't I read that you were thrown out for being an obnoxious jerk, by the way?) advocates, the elimination of money is not going to work without massive force - more force than exists. Perhaps you think you can just convince the world to give up money as a medium of exchange and get everyone in the world to sign over their bank accounts for "energy credits" or whatever naive quasi-Bolshevist hokum you're selling, and turn the government over to altruistic and incorruptible "Technocrats" but it's not going to happen and if, by some miracle it did, it would all collapse in an apocalypse within days unless your magic system makes greed and weapons go away too.
There is a reason this fantasy has been around for generations without even being noticed by the public and there's probably a reason your whole life revolves around it, but I'm glad in a way, since it's so entertaining to watch you act like a cat with its tail on fire every time someone questions your crackpot economic evangelism.
Don't you have some hair to cut or some floors to sweep, by the way - or is Science going to do that for you?
Fog, thanks for the bird brain comments.
I came here to talk about chipmunks you idiot.
I did not come here to have a dumbed down conversation with you, about things that you not only do not understand, but probably are not capable of understanding, since you show no signs of actually investigating any thing in question on that other subject.
Back to Chippy, I am not trying to be moralistic, or right or wrong so much here, as just trying to point out that chipmunks are interesting and funny little creatures, that are comical to watch.
Many times they like to stand up on their back legs, and chirp, despite the fact that they give away their positions when doing this.
Sometimes when they are frightened, they make a squeaky noise, and run like hell ~!~
As they say about frogs, or I mean Fog : Don`t feed the Trolls.
I think you're just jealous that Foggy is a much better writer than you are.
Good grief -- no wonder you're tired of blogging. A fun little post like this and they crawl out of the woodwork to attack. Sheesh.
Yes, they crawl out of the woodwork - similar to a chipmunk - and they deserve the same fate.
Priceless!
Try Googling Sievert. He's the troll's troll and the lunatic fringe of a lunatic fringe and there are even web pages devoted to trashing him, some from his fellow travelers. He's even named as a prominent troll in Wikipedia!
But it's funny that he turned up here, having so much in common with small burrowing and ineradicable rodents. Like the Buddha or like the devil, if you prefer, he's immanent in the very fiber and structure of the web and everywhere he is relentlessly and indefatigably explaining everything from the Peasant revolution of 1381 to the collapse of the tulip market in 1638 as the result of something he calls the "price system."
Get rid of money and human perfidy will disappear along with all scarcity and inequity under the benevolent auspices of Technocracy and the "Technocrats." Even if this Hicksian painting of a peaceable kingdom has some merit I haven't yet discovered, Skip certainly does not.
These quaint folks have been predicting the collapse of capitalism for the better part of a century and so, although I might at one point have considered it more likely than the End Times or the return of the Hidden Imam, that point has been left behind.
But of course anyone who doubts the smallest of his peremptory and unsupported assertions is, as you see, called names and is referred to the scriptures: the books and manifestos he "pimps for." Skip deigns not to debase himself by actual debate as is demonstrated.
He must be getting pretty desperate to find a suitable category for me though, since he's exhausted his heavily monosyllabic epithetical armaments in one blog after another. It seems now that, in his mind, I support George Bush and his war and the alleged death of a million people in it as well, despite my years of opposition and amplitude of contempt, but perhaps that's only his weak way to suggest that people aren't evil or greedy, or stupid, or reckless - it's the "price system" that is the radix malorum and because I prefer to pay my bills in dollars rather than in Joules or Watts, I must be all the marvelous things that support and condone evil.
Anonymous,
Was that supposed to make sense? Vick plead guilty and Dog fighting and animal torture is not to be condoned even if a bigoted twit seems to think all black people torture dogs.
You should be embarrassed to post such poorly written and ungrammatical crap even if it weren't idiotic.
Mmm. thought we were talking chipmunks here ?
I have always liked them.
Fog, I suppose that any idiot can tap tap tap on their keyboard, and think they are being 'smart' 'funny' or entertaining. Even you. Ha ha.
Pseudo - intellectuals get old, real fast though.
Whoops, more troll food.
Oh well, there is no accounting for passive agressive, anal retentive, people like the frog, who insist on enlightening us, despite the dumbed down, traditional, antique, uncreative method they use.
Now, again my 2 cents worth, maybe think of giving the next Chipmunk a break.
CB. Glad you posted again.
I have a related story from years back, but this one involved field mice that decided to move indoors, when their natural habitat was destroyed by a new housing development.
My wife and I were living in San Ramon, California, and we saw field mice in our house. We did everything we could to capture, corral, or direct them out of the house, and we went to extreme measures to save their lives. All for not. The straw that broke the camels back, was the night a mouse ran across the back of my wifes neck while she was asleep in bed. After that, I was under direct orders to eliminate the mice, or lose a wife. I spent a small fortune on mouse traps, rat poison, etc. After a few weeks, and 20+ dead field mice we were free. It broke my heart to kill so many mice, just looking for a safe place to stay.
Now, we live in the Sierra Nevada foothills, and live on three acres. As best we can we try to share the land with the wildlife. I generally look the other way at minor crop damage, holes in the lawn, but if any animal comes near the house, or in the house, they end up pushing up daisies.
We've lost one dog and one cat to Coyotes. We've captured and killed a rabid Racoon, that wanted to live under our deck.
That same dog, a dalmation, survived a battle with a Buck on Thanksgiving day, and had to have 8 deep puncture wounds closed in an Vet Emergency hospital (huge Buckeroo's-pun intended).
The deer are the biggest pains in the neck. Bambi may be the one that makes me snap.
Cranky. All of us have our boundry's.
Nice one Skippy. It takes a special kind of guy to try to equate your comical and clumsy English with superior intellect. But you are a special guy indeed and that's why you've achieved so much in life, right?
You've been squashed flatter than that dead chipmunk. there is no way to get out of this with any dignity. You're being ignored or laughed at and I'm almost feeling sorry for you. Almost.
Get a life Frog.
This post is about chipmunks you nincompoop.
Your dumb off topic logic tells me that you are either stupid or ignorant.
A simple chipmunk post really freaks you out. Ha ha
You seem to have missed the point that as many of the people here are members of my family, you're not making points by making up things about me or by being drunk, inarticulate and oblivious to being seen as a poseur.
My grammar is fine; I merely typed too fast and had some typos. Also, in no way do I think that ALL African-Americans torture dogs. That said, a subculture of interest in dog fighting within some African-American communities does exist.
While in the backpacking in the Porcupine Mountains, a chipmunk ate our entire package of cheese meant to last us 3 more days. That's a lot of cheese. Probably brought a few of his chippy little friends. They probably all got heart attacks. Also, I have had a chipmunk run over my bare foot. Ugh.
Now these people have some real animal problems.
FROM THE BBC NEWS SITE TODAY.
A troop of vervet monkeys is giving Kenyan villagers long days and sleepless nights, destroying crops and causing a food crisis.
Earlier this month, local MP Paul Muite urged the Kenyan Wildlife Service to help contain their aggressive behaviour.
But Mr Muite caused laughter when he told parliament that the monkeys had taken to harassing and mocking women in a village.
But this is exactly what the women in the village of Nachu, just south-west of Kikuyu, are complaining about.
Sexual harassment
They estimate there are close to 300 monkeys invading the farms at dawn. They eat the village's maize, potatoes, beans and other crops.
And because women are primarily responsible for the farms, they have borne the brunt of the problem, as they try to guard their crops.
The monkeys grab their breasts, and gesture at us while pointing at their private parts
Villager Lucy Njeri
They say the monkeys are more afraid of young men than women and children, and the bolder ones throw stones and chase the women from their farms.
Nachu's women have tried wearing their husbands' clothes in an attempt to trick the monkeys into thinking they are men - but this has failed, they say.
"When we come to chase the monkeys away, we are dressed in trousers and hats, so that we look like men," resident Lucy Njeri told the BBC News website
"But the monkeys can tell the difference and they don't run away from us and point at our breasts. They just ignore us and continue to steal the crops."
In addition to stealing their crops, the monkeys also make sexually explicit gestures at the women, they claim.
"The monkeys grab their breasts, and gesture at us while pointing at their private parts. We are afraid that they will sexually harass us," said Mrs Njeri.
The Kenyan Wildlife Service told the BBC that it was not unusual for monkeys to harass women and be less afraid of them than men, but they had not heard of monkeys in Kenya making sexually explicit gestures as a form of communication to humans.
The predominantly farming community is now having to receive famine relief food.
The residents report that the monkeys have killed livestock and guard dogs, which has also left the villagers living in fear, especially for the safety of their babies and children.
All the villagers' attempts to control the monkeys have failed - the monkeys evade traps, have lookouts to warn the others of impending attacks and snub poisoned food put out by the residents.
"The troop has scouts which keep a lookout from a vantage point, and when they see us coming, they give warning signals to the ones in the farms to get away," said another area resident, Jacinta Wandaga.
'Monkey squad'
The town has been warned by the Kenya Wildlife Service not to harm or kill any of the monkeys, as it is a criminal offence.
Running out of options, residents are harvesting their crops early in an attempt to salvage what they can of this year's crop.
Unfortunately, this only invites the monkeys to break into their homes and steal the harvested crops out of their granaries.
Even the formation of a "monkey squad" to keep track of the monkeys' movements and keep them out has failed.
The area is simply too large for the few volunteers to cover, they say.
Some residents have lost hope and abandoned their homes and farms, but those who have stayed behind, like 80-year-old James Ndungu, are making a desperate plea for assistance.
"For God's sake, the government should take pity on us and move these monkeys away because we do not want to abandon our farms," he said.
"I beg you, please come and take these animals away from here so that we can farm in peace."
Skip, Keep it up and I'm going to delete everything you post.
Good idea, CB, censorship - just like the Bushies do.
From what I hear Skip drives everyone away with his insane comment rants. If that is what is going to happen it's him or me and you know how I come down on that issue.
Where do you get censorship out of deleting spam? This isn't a newspaper and nobody's stopping from blathering on his own site.
Way to go, brother. Congrats on the victory. The normal people out in cyberspace support you.
A week ago when Mr. Minivan and I were shooting Uzis in Las Vegas he said, "I'd love to go hunting." Cranky, you're a man after his own heart. Next time you have a "problem", give us a call.
Why didn't you just ask Mark Kirk to pee in a cup?
CrankyBoy... Tears are still rolling from the laughter (at your expense)you gave me while reading your "Mano-a-chipmunk". As far as the other outrageous comments you received, well, that's the world we live in today. These people will step over the homeless but heaven forbid, don't kill a rat with racing stripes causing havoc in your space when there are tons of woods to roam free.
Anyway, I need to share with you my solution for your chippies. It's called an ULTRA RATZAPPER! Google it, pay the price and you'll be chippie free. My zapper electrocutes about two to three a week. INSTANT DEATH no suffering for those that are crying now about the rats with racing stripes.
I use sunflower seeds and chippies love'em. Sprinkle a few seeds at the opening, then put the rest to the back of the zapper. They are so greedy they'll run to the back of the zapper and BAM ZZZZZZZ dead! You don't have to touch the critter, just dig a hole, drop'em in and you're all set to zap the next one. Now my garden is being fertilized with chippies instead of my garden being eaten by chippies. WOOOHOOO for the Ultra Rat Zapper
This might sound weird but that was kinda mean. Do you hunt? If you do you shoulda just shot it there and then. Instead of brutally attacking it with a live trap.
Uh, this might sound weird but that was kinda mean. Do you hunt and have a gun? If you do why not have just shot him then and there instead of brutally beating him with a cage?
I had a chipmunk as a pet when I was a kid. Long story how I aquired it but it made a much better pet than gerbils or hamsters. Much higher energy and more social.
However, I currently have an infestation of them on my back patio. They clogged up my gutter and basement drain system with acorns, causing a flood, get into my garage, even scratch out brick mortor and move into the walls. I suspect their involvement in the mysterious lack of power from two outlets on that side of the house.
They are cute, but if it is up to me they will soon be dead.
Good God - you people need a life!
ULTRA RAT ZAPPER here we come... i'm tired of this year to year war of the chipmunk "stuff"... I need this to be done done done , not rare not medium...cook the little buggers. you can't tell that we've tried everything
known to man and then some. you can drown 'em w/a bucket of water and sunflower seeds (they're supposed to fall in.. you can catch and release.. well we all know how that turned out.. pummel them to death... the rat zapper so far, sounds the most humane and instantaneous solution.. wonder how many thousands of these little rodents are out there... will let you know, gotta go order a zapper. oh.. skip.. i probably sound like a creep too.. i'm not terribly worried about that so you really don't have to respond to this.. but if you do... cranky's solution is the same one i would use -- so eliminate the middle man.
I am having a chipmunk problem and can relate to this article (and enjoyed the giggle it gave me). It is frustrating when you cannot get these creatures to leave. I love nature and do not like cruelty to animals but there are times when you try all the humane things and still fail.
My favorite is the vibrating stake that you put in the ground and it's supposed to scare them away. A day after my husband I put that in the gound the chipmunk was sitting on top of it eating a nut. Yes, you can almost hear their laughter.
Fill a five gallon bucket about 2/3 full. Then add a little olive oil and float bird seed across the surface. The chipmunks will jump in and drown .After years of foundation damages to my home , I finally found a simple and effective measure to reduce the local chipmunk population . Works like a charm.
I use the "Have a Heart" trap with sunflowers stuck to peanut butter. Killed two adults thus far. The little ones are too small for the cage holes. Best way to exterminate them is to put 10 gallons of water in a garbage barrel and submerge them in the locked trap. It's over in a minute or so with no mess to clean up.
What makes me laugh at the hypocrisy and ignorance of "bleeding heart" posters who don't have a patio problem is that they have no issue with killing rats and mice but because the Chipmunk is cute with a fluffy tail, they get all indignant and nasty when someone traps and kills them. Newsflash idiots - they are genetically kissing cousins. Squirrels, which btw can be very nasty, are part of the same rodent family.
Oh my, I had to laugh at your story, but it really is not funny.... WE have a chipmunk problem. We are surrouded by woods on three sides of our home... We have a new retaining wall and we just put in a new brick paver patio, my husband went to great lengths to make it perfect, it is a pretty good size patio that was two summers ago, at the moment we are pulling up all of the pavers and redoing the patio, those nasty little chipmunks had holes everywhere, through 10 inches of rock and 4 inches of sand. My husband started out with the 5 gallon bucket of water with a plank up to the top, we put sunflower seeds up the plank and also on top of the water, within minutes we had a taker for the sunflowers and the little burger swam around for 45 minutes gulping water and eating peanuts. and finally my husband couldn't take it anymore and pulled him out and relocated him down the road. Well that was 2 years ago, last summer we relocated at least 25 and already this summer we have relocated 15, but now after seeing all the damage that they have done to our patio and God only knows what else....WAR IS ON...... I am going to get them and not by relocating!!!!!
Sure I used to think they were cute and all that..... But I have had enough of the destruction!!! Nancy somewhere along the Mississippi
Long story short: We have a HUUUGE family of chipmunks that now live all around our house. I guess it keeps them safe from predators. They aren't cute anymore, causing a lot of damage to the lawn, shrubs, etc.
Ca anyone suggest the "best" way of eliminating them? I don't care about keeping them alive, though a quick death would be preferable to something nasty. (Anything is better than being eaten alive by an owl, I think.)
I'm actually considering a slingshot, followed by a baseball bat.
Who try to use Intruder 16525 the Better Rodentrap
Next time just spread used coffee ground over the area to keep it away. Cheap and easy
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