Tuesday, August 30, 2005

A very special non-political crankiness

Due to popular demand, actually one person, I am going to avoid political crankiness today and focus on regular run of the mill typical crankiness that the Curmudgeon gets daily. Hence the name.

Memo to cell phone users on the commuter train...go kill yourself.
If you need to be on a cell phone at 7:30 in the morning it should sound like this, "You should see the baby's head now and make sure the cord isn't wrapped around its neck." Or maybe something like, "The Hong Kong market closes in a few minutes, sell everything or we are ruined!" But no. It sounds more like this, "(ring tone of The Love Boat Theme that goes on for a minute or two) Hello? Oh hi! Fine. Fine. Good. Good. No, we had a great time. The food was good. We had a small problem with our luggage but we just bought new stuff. Yesterday, except we got home and we found some bananas we left out."

And by the way, its a telephone not a megaphone! Stop shouting! Do you think the entire north line needs to hear about your vasectomy or your kid's soccer goal? If you need to be on the phone to discuss, at 110 decibels, your breakfast to be or work to be done either come in earlier or stay later. Or, as I suggest, go kill yourself.

News flash to Chicago local news channels 2, 5 and 7 - you're not the story. I know you think people actually care about you but watching video of local reporters or anchors finishing a marathon in 6 hours and then having some happy talk about it, but its not news. Its home movies. Maybe show me this narcissistic pablum in the last 30 seconds but in minute 7? There's nothing more important in the city let alone the world that deserves a look see? No breaking news on snow in December or it's hot in July? Maybe Mayor Richard Daley being questioned by the U.S. Attorney's office in a criminal probe or former Illinois governor George Ryan going on trial for corruption needs more air time than squirrels on little water skis or dogs catching Frisbees at the lakefront.

And by the way, just tell me what the weather will be like tomorrow. Not now. Not when I'm going to be asleep. Not a week from now. When I wake up and go out, that's all I need. And stop showing me hail storms in Denver. I don't care. And speaking of not caring, finding someone from Illinois in New Orleans to tell you what they felt like when Hurricane Katrina wiped out their vacation isn't news! Feelings aren't news and seeing some local goof in Louisiana has as much appeal to me as going to Italy and meeting fellow Americans. Zero. What's next? Hearing your feeling about hearing their feelings?(P.S. Enough with standing outside in the wind and rain to report a hurricane. It's windy and rainy. We get it. If shoes, clothes, skin and hair were being ripped off your bodies I'd be impressed and keep watching.) Elect the Curmudgeon to Congress and banning local news would be my first bill introduced.

Finally, I can't completely avoid politics. After Illinois Republican Gov. Ryan's indictment; Ohio Republican Gov. Bob Taft's no contest plea and Kentucky Republican Gov. Ernie Fletcher's blanket pardon of 9 current and former officials, and almost pardoning himself, it occurred to me that being a Republican Governor might be a predictive factor in whether you'll turn out to be corrupt. If you know of a Republican voter out there maybe its time for an intervention.


Blogger Crankybro said...

You best yet! Keep up the good work.
Drive to work once and you can comment on the idiots who talk on their phones while they cut you off.
Go to the Jewel and tell me why my checkout lane is always the slowest.
Traffic cops who are many times worse than the traffic lights they replace.
How about the people who walk vicious dogs without a leash and say "isn't my pit bull cute..."
You could do a whole Urban Crankiness series.

10:05 AM  
Blogger Martwork said...

How 'bout us suburban moms who talk (via earpiece, of course) non-stop on the cell phone while grocery shopping? How about the lunatics who line up hours early to sign their kids up
for classes?

Seems like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning....

12:08 PM  
Blogger Petunia McGillicuddy said...

I heartily appreciate that post. Very funny and true. And thanks for teaching me the word pablum.

12:57 PM  
Blogger Crankyboy said...

This non-political crankiness may become a weekly event. Check back often!

1:23 PM  
Blogger phinky said...

Please let it be a weekly feature. Since you are from Chicago, can you add Oprah to your rants?

9:31 PM  
Anonymous Karl Rove said...

Crankyboy is a known associate of Jane Fonda and has aligned himself with extremist groups such as the ACLU.

I have right here, photographs of Crankyboy with Osama bin Laden. . . .

9:04 AM  
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10:38 PM  

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