Life Imitating Art

The only thing better than the invention of television was the television remote control. It's a window on the world, a time machine and a peephole all within a few channels. I like t.v. It asks nothing of me other than a little alternating current and a cult-like devotion to all it has to offer. There isn't a situation I can't relate to something I saw on t.v. I'll even throw out a quote or two from M*A*S*H or The Office to illustrate something going on in my day. My wife is a good audience and we've shared many punch lines together. Saturday Night Live has had many faux-presidential skits that we remember and refer to from time to time. Recently, one skit from the 2000 presidential election came to mind after listening to ever shrinking Republican party ranting (a more gentle way of saying lying) about "death panels" and "death books" in their craven mission to abort health care reform before it comes to life. Whoever said Republicans were against abortion? You could say the Republican party was one big death panel but that would be rhetorically hyperbolic and I wouldn't want to do that.

Moving on. One memorable line from SNL in 2000 came out of a "faux debate between George W. Bush and Al Gore".

Al Gore: ...Jim, let me tell about a friend of mine. [ holds up a picture of an elderly woman ] Her name is Etta Munsen. She's 94, she's a widow living on Social Security in Sparta, Tennessee...Now, under my plan, Etta's prescription drugs would be covered. Under my opponent's plan, her house would be burned to the ground. And that is wrong. That is just wrong!

Sound familiar? Congressman or Senator (Insert Republican): "Under our plan, patients would get the care they need. Under the Democrat's plan they would be dragged in front of a death panel and made to beg for their lives." That's even worse than the fictitious SNL debate since Etta wasn't presumably required to actually be in her house when it was burned to the ground.

You could say the recent health care debate is life imitating art imitating life. That would be the genteel/social commentary way to describe the irresponsible fear-mongering and psychotic hate speech devoid of any moral boundaries engaged in by the Republican party. But latter is so much more satisfying and accurate.

Last Thought of the Night

Today, the Senate rejected a proposed bill that would have allowed people to carry concealed weapons from state to state. "The measure would have required" states to recognize concealed carry permits issued in other states. I wonder if the same people would vote to allow gay marriages to be recognized in other states if recognized in any other state. Yes, I know. I can stop wondering and go to sleep.

Thought for the Night

Will any proposed national health insurance program cover treatment for mental illness including those who believe President Obama is not an American citizen?

It is Alive!

In the words of Tiger Woods - "Hello world." Yes, I am alive. Nearly two years of blog silence. That's trappist monk territory to be sure. Writing a daily blog was fun and I thought I put out some great posts but to keep it up and feeling like a guppy in the ocean took away the drive. I thought I would sit back and watch for a while. When I last left you I was in a pitched battle with chipmunks. They retreated for a time but now they are back (perhaps their descendants coming for revenge) and worse than ever. I've added another tax deduction to the family and I've started a new job. Oh yeah, and I didn't have to move to Sydney, Australia (weak dollar and high home prices) because that loopy quitter Sarah Palin wasn't elected vice-president. I'm rested and ready perhaps not for daily crankiness but periodic crankiness nevertheless. See you soon in Crankyland.

You Won't Believe This

When I last left you I was in the middle of war. War against chipmunks. After dispatching with Alvin and sending him (or her it's really hard to know) to acorn heaven another furry burrower took up residence under my patio. My guilt of committing animal murder, justifiable in my opinion, was replaced with a single rage of eradicating these patio destroyers from my lands. But when I caught the second chipmunk on a glue trap I showed him some mercy and put him in a cage, my worthless Have-a Heart trap that doesn't work, and drove him a couple of miles away and released him from the glue trap by pouring vegetable oil on him. The oil dissolves the glue. In a few moments Alvin Jr. was running into the forest to terrorize some other chipmunk or person. Job well done. Moby Dick has been slain, or released in some other place far away from Ahab. But alas, it was not to be.



The day or two of bliss was shattered when coming home one day I saw the burrow had been re-excavated. Moby was back and as big a dick as ever. Not to panic. I had a good supply of glue traps. So I calmly set a couple around the hole next to my patio and waited. Not even enough time to watch a rerun of Seinfeld had gone by when I saw I had captured the third chipmunk to test my hunting abilities. Once again I put on my work gloves and placed the chipmunk trapped on the glue board into the cage trap, grabbed the vegetable oil and drove to the release site. Once again I poured oil on the varmit and once again it slide free shortly thereafter and scampered away. This has to be it. Chipmunk free at last.

But it was not to be. Two days later the same burrow was dug up again. Now my mind was playing tricks on me. Could this be the same chipmunk I released twice? Could it possibly be finding its way back to my patio? I've read stories of dog's left hundreds of miles away from home and somehow find their way back but a chipmunk? This time if I caught it I would drive it miles and miles way so that it really couldn't get back. So I put a glue trap down and waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. Usually it took only 15 or 20 minutes for the little rodent to make a misstep onto glue-land. Not this time. Could it really be the same chipmunk that found its way back twice and now it knows not to get close to the glue board? Is that even possible? Before I could answer that question I saw the glue trap jumping around. Alvin IV was caught. Now this was routine. I took the oil, cage and gloves out there and put him in the cage and then into the hatch of the station wagon and drove away. thinking how far should I drive him before I release him? The answer was taken out of my hands.

So I'm doing 60 down the highway around the corner from my house when I hear scurrying and the sound of metal. I look over my shoulder and on the right armrest of my kid's car seat is the chipmunk. Holy shit! I'm doing 60 mph with a pissed off chipmunk loose in my car. As I pull over to the shoulder Alvin leaps into the front passenger area between the door and some bags on the floor. I can't see him but all I can think is there are rabies shots in my future. I lean over and open the door and almost immediately he jumps out into the underbrush on the side of the highway. Holy hell. I knew I should have killed it and just be done with it.

I get back home and open the hatch and there on the glue trap inside the cage is the last inch or two of the tail of Alvin IV. It's gone from Moby Dick to some horror flick. At least now if it comes back I'll know for sure if it's the same chipmunk. I also am leaning towards a quick execution at the scene since this close encounter with a tailless pissed off chipmunk trapped in a passenger compartment has taught me to either be merciless or don't even bother catching them. Anything in between is hazardous to your health.

Revenge of the Chipmunk

Now I don't feel so guilty for bashing the brains out of Alvin the menace of a chipmunk that eluded my manhunt for a couple of months. He reached number one on my most wanted list just I closed in on him like Dillinger at the Biograph theater. I kept telling people, "I feel a little guilty" but not anymore. From his plastic bag of a grave he is laughing now that one of his kin has decided to test my hunting skills. Yes, another chipmunk has taken up residence under my patio already dislocating a brick, and he too will soon reach chipmunk heaven. And when he does the Earth will be that much lighter.


He brazenly dug a tunnel on the other side of the walkway where Alvin dug his burrow and where he met his end. Since I had an unused shipment of chemical weapons of chipmunk destruction I used it. Intelligence (Cranky's wife) told me the high value target was in his spider hole. I ran into the house and prepared my WMDs. Intelligence (again Cranky's wife) left her post so she was not able to confirm that the target was in its lair. I made a command decision and authorized the use of chemical weapons. I love the smell of sulfur gas in a chipmunk's burrow. Smells like victory. The after action report does not allow me to confirm the death of the high value target but any escape will be shortlived. I will not outsource this problem to Afghani warlords or Orkin. Simon will be brought to justice or justice will brought to Simon, but justice will be done.

Blogging in the dark

I'm blogging from my iPhone as I am sitting in the dark. No power. At least my battery back-up on my sump pump works. A 47 minute train ride home became a three hour nightmare. First we couldn't leave the station because of the weather and the threat of high winds and then because of a tree on the tracks. And then we thought we were on our way, we got an announcement that the delays had caused the train engineer to reach his limit under federal law for the number of hours he could work and that we all had to get off the train. Of course it was raining sheets of water outside as we were basically thrown off the train. Then when I got home I found out we had no power. The other side of the street had power but not our side. More good news. So here I am in the dark typing on my iPhone by flashlight just like Abraham Lincoln. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

Mano-a-Chipmunk.

A few months ago I noticed a perfectly round hole tunneled into the dirt at the edge of my patio. I thought it might be a snake hole or something when in fact it was a chipmunk den. What do I know about nature or rather varmints? I'm more comfortable in the Apple store than the woods. I had a brick patio put in to replace the "patio" that was already there. I'm being generous when I say there was a "patio" there since it was really a bunch of loose bricks placed into the ground which became quite the eyesore/trip hazard. After looking at it for too long I paid thousands of dollars to have a real brick patio put in. The guys who did it did a great job. I took pictures (see photos) of before, during and after the construction. They put like nine inches of crushed gravel and base gravel down. A layer of sand went on before the bricks. It turned out solid and level. It was firm enough to park a car on it. I would grill out there and when I had a free moment I would read a paper and drink lemonade. Then it showed up. The chipmunk.



At first I had no idea what I was dealing with since I've never dealt with chipmunks before. Weasels and rats yes but always in human form. I tried pushing dirt back into the hole but I soon found out that was a waste of time. It dug through that like it wasn't there. This is what the chipmunk was designed for and I don't mean intelligently designed for. It is a digging machine that is relentless. If I told you I filled up its tunnel with rocks everyday and it dug it out everyday for a couple of months I'm probably understating it. I tried placing wood sheets down to discourage the pest. It just dug under the wood to get to the tunnel. More wood and bricks placed down on the ground had no affect. Somewhere along the way, it's all a blur to me now like battle, I googled, "How to kill a chipmunk." The first hit I got I read all about chipmunks. The more I read the more I realized how serious this was. This thing lives for years and will never leave on its own. It's tunnel could be 30 feet long with different chambers for storage or for sleep. It will have offspring and they too will be impossible to get rid of. They will burrow under patios until bricks buckle and destroy the patio. That sick feeling in my stomach wasn't the bean burrito I had for lunch. I put myself on a war footing. This was my 9/11.

I failed to follow the Powell Doctrine of using overwhelming force. I followed the Bush Doctrine of using just enough force to lose. I ordered a cage trap with a trigger plate in the center and doors on each end. I waited a couple of days and when I got the trap I put peanut butter on the trigger plate and set the trap. All it did was give the chipmunk a meal since the trap didn't trigger. When it rained hard the rain triggered the trap but not when the chipmunk walked through it. I went back to the website and read more. I ordered the pecan paste and liquid poison. Your days are numbered chipmunk. I hope you like the taste of poison. Tonight you dine in hell.

I waited a few more days and when I got my smart bomb I mixed them together and put them in two snack-sized zip-lock bags. They usually held goldfish crackers but now they hold a trip to chipmunk neverland. I placed the baggies in the now two holes on the edge of my patio and waited. The next day I saw one baggie had a few gnaw marks on it. The next day there was just a pool of goop in the holes like a moat. I thought well he ate through the baggie and got to the poisoned jam and thats that. Wrong. Unless it had a twin brother it was still here. I could almost hear him laughing at me. It's hard to sleep when a malevolent chipmunk is in its tunnel beneath your patio laughing at you.

I went back on the "how to kill a chipmunk" website. I read through again the arsenal available to kill a chipmunk. In my desperation I ordered coyote urine. Yes, you read that right. Coyote urine. Seemed to make sense. It's a predator that eats things like chipmunks and marking the area with its scent through urine might do it. The website said it would work so in the year 2007 I did something I could never dream I would ever do in any year - I had a quart of coyote urine shipped UPS from Georgia. (At least it wasn't a gallon.) When it got here it looked like a jug of apple cider wrapped multiple times in plastic with the cap sealed with lots of shipping tape. You could smell it through all the packaging. If you want to have an immediate gag reflex and come as close to throwing up without actually hurling then get a quart of coyote urine and try to transfer it into a spray bottle. Guaranteed to make you dry heave. Sprayed it like crazy around the chipmunk tunnel opening. I sealed the pee in layers of plastic and went in my house thinking the chipmunk will get one whiff and run for its life. Any guesses if that happened? Didn't do a thing. It probably thought, "oh, another suburbanite buying that coyote urine. What an idiot." My rage increased to stroke levels.

I went to another site and ordered another trap. One that had only one door and a trigger plate. I waited a few days and the minute I got it I put a strawberry in the back of the trap and set it and waited. Within 10 minutes the chipmunk was casing the fruit. It walked all the way around the trap but didn't go in. It started to try to get to the strawberry through the metal cage instead of walking through it over the trigger plate to get o the food. This was incredible. It actually got a bite through the metal bars. I opened a door and it ran. When it came back again it walked all the way around the trap and walked by the open end to try to eat it through the metal cage. These varmints are smart. Back to the website for more weapons.

WMDs. The stuff we couldn't find in Iraq I found. Sulfur sticks. When I know the monster in in its lair I light the gas stick and kill it with sulfur clouds of death that will seek out the rodent even if it's 30 feet in the tunnel. I read that you could also use a road flare and just stick it in the hole but somehow I think with my luck the red flame thing will somehow burn down my house. I place another order. While waiting for my order I get the idea of putting glue traps around the tunnel opening with a dab of peanut butter for bait. My intention was to get the chipmunk stuck and then put him and the glue trap into the cage trap - transport him miles away and then pour vegetable oil on him to release him from the glue. (Yes that works.) I placed by glue traps and within 15 minutes I saw him licking the peanut butter off one of the traps carefully avoiding the glue part. Unreal. Then it seemed to touch the glue and not like it. It wasn't caught but it started to smell and lick its little paws as if to try to clean them. Then it made a mistake. It walked around the trap but got stuck. Then it flayed about getting more caught. I ran outside to put it into the cage trap. When I got there it had gotten tangled up in the lattice work of an overturned table used before and unsuccessfully to block the hole. It looked like it might be able to tear itself away from the glue trap leaving the sticky cardboard behind stuck to the table.

I tried, I really tried to get him into the open cage trap but he was jumping around in terror. I thought it might break free from the trap and fear of losing my Moby Dick made my heart beat fast. Then a murderous rage came over me. It was either him or me. I raised the cage trap over my head and down it came, over and over onto the body of the soon to be dead chipmunk. I later figured out that the red chunks of goo weren't exploded chipmunk organs but the strawberry that was in the trap/blunt murder weapon that had broke apart during the assault. It was a crime of passion and I'm sure no jury would convict me. And then looking at the newly deceased little brown furry gerbil-like creature a bit of guilt hit me. All it wanted to do was eat a berry and a nut and not get killed. I even argued my case with my wife. "I tried to take him alive but he wouldn't cooperate."

I filled up the tunnel I hope for the last time and cleared the battlefield of weapons used and unused. Mission accomplished and I have the body to prove it. Anyone need some sulfur sticks? They're on a UPS truck as we speak. Rest in peace Alvin. You were a worthy opponent but only one of us could live here. Forgive me.

It's been a while

I was going to blog a bit about a few headlines that make me want to either blog intensely or quit altogether and then I got stuck typing my title. Is it "a while" or "awhile"? It's been a while since I've been in high school and I still need to look up the spelling of words. Spelling isn't my strong suit and forget about gerunds and past participles. (Is that spelled correctly? I don't even care enough to look it up on dictionary.com but you get what I'm saying.) A look on Google led me to this and I still don't know for sure if I did it correctly although I think I did. Take a while to read it for awhile.

On to headlines and thoughts.

Raw Story has one of the best headlines (now an article) I've seen in awhile, "Cheney: My office isn't in executive branch." Uh huh. Can't wait to hear this one.

I read through the letters to the judge in the Scooter Libby case asking for leniency in sentencing. The highlights are that people think he's a great dad, likes to go home to see his kid to bed and is always polite to people. I guess that's enough to keep you out of prison for committing perjury and obstruction of justice. Hilarious to hear that there is no underlying crime since all that says is that if you're really good at lying and obstructing justice then prosecutors can't make the case and thus you shouldn't be charged with obstruction either. Sort of a reward for being so good at committing perjury. The worst part about the pile of letters is that James Carville the Clinton-maker co-signed a "have mercy" plea with his wife Mary Matalin the Cheney aide and former Bush I campaign manager. (He had trick or treat at an undisclosed location for the kids - let my Scooter go! I mean what will we tell the children?) Thanks James for taking the side of the rich and powerful whether they be Democrats or Republicans. Thanks for showing that all you care about are the inside players in the business of politics because that's all it is for you and your wife - a big game, big business. A business the huddling masses aren't in. Next time you want me to contribute to your clients or knock on doors to help get them better jobs I'll tell you to ask Scooter to do it. I stand by my prediction a while ago - Scooter spends 0 days in jail. It's a sure thing. The rule of law is for little people like you and me huddling in lines to get the iPhone. (See below).

Then there's the morons running the campaigns of Hillary and Obama. Hey, Hillary, a video parody of you pretending to be just like a ruthless plotting mob boss might not be the smartest way to put yourself out there. Comedy has to have a kernel of truth for it to be funny but this might be the whole corn of the cob. Nice job. Can't wait for the next video of you pretending to be a power-mad, enabling wife of a politician who could have been one of the greatest presidents in history if it weren't for his inner-fat boy who just wants to be loved. And Obama? Nice memo sent out without campaign attribution. Did that take all of three seconds for it to be published with your name behind it? And here's a thought - leave the political comedy to Jon Stewart. Hillary (D-Punjab) isn't that clever or funny or appropriate for a presidential candidate. Want to presidential? Promote the staff members like W would for such a screw-up.

On a positive note, the iPhone is coming out next friday I'm already in line. I have all my supplies and should get one. There are about 75 crazier people than me in line so I'll keep you up to date on my progess. And if you believe I'm outside an Apple store right now blogging next to my personal port-o-let then you probably also believe that your conversation with Hillary will make a difference or that Scooter is going to jail or that the office of the vice-president isn't in the executive branch.

Have a nice day.

Department of Political Justice

I watched almost all of the Monica Goodling testimony before the House Judiciary Committee today. With apologies to William Shakespeare I can sum up what I saw: "Congress's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

First off Monica Goodling came off very well. She is a polite, soft-spoken, albeit misguided political hack of a young woman who seems genuine in her remorse for as she put it "crossing the line" when she used political litmus tests for career DOJ job hiring, a big no-no under the law. She did have a few interesting comments such as saying Deputy Attorney General Paul McNulty was not completely accurate (translation: he lied) during his congressional testimony and she said Attorney General Fredo Gonzales was also inaccurate in his statements about the firings of U.S. Attorneys. She said on her way out of Justice when she resigned Fredo Gonzales talked to her about what he thought had gone on there as far as his involvement in the firings. This was after it was known a congressional investigation was underway and this smacks more of trying to coach a witness to get their stories straight rather than an innocent "hey remember when..." conversation. It's more like "hey Monica, remember when all those U.S. Attorneys were fired and I had nothing to do with it but I knew it was all for performance rather than political reasons?" In any event, Goodling didn't bury anyone, although she said McNulty and Fredo were inaccurate in their swore testimony and that Kyle Sampson compiled the firing list. To this day there isn't a person or document from the DOJ that answers the question who made the list, when was it made, when names were placed on it and when names were taken off and for what reasons. But did Democrats ask simple and penetrating yes-no questions in their alloted five minutes each? Nope. It was a an embarrassment not only to the art of cross-examination but to basic english speakers everywhere.

John Conyers and Maxine Waters can barely speak. It's like they were drunk or something. I understand the Republicans praising Ms. Goodling (even though she admitted to breaking the law - ah the joys of use immunity) and wasting the time of the hearing - one congressman Chris Cannon used his five minutes to read into the record a newspaper article about John Murtha's earmark threat to another congressman and that relates to the DOJ investigation how? - but the Democrats are fucking useless. You don't have to be Clarence Darrow to get out a decent question. "So you don't know who drafted the list do you Ms. Goodling?" "And you don't know when David Iglesias the US Attorney in New Mexico was placed on the list do you?" "And you don't have any records of who made recommendations or on what grounds those recommendations were made do you?" "So you can't say with any certainty that some or all of the firings were done to obstruct ongoing investigations into republicans such as Congressman Duke Cunningham better known now as inmate #11789 can you?" The number of questions are endless but the Democrats once again sounded like dull knives. As sharp as marbles. I mean come on. You've got five minutes and you ask a four minute question that doesn't even make sense? In the words of Steve Martin, "Here's a good idea - have a POINT. It makes it SO much more interesting for the listener!" It boggles the mind.

So even though Monica Goodling doesn't really understand, along with the apologist Republicans in Congress and the solid 28% loyal Bushies out in the country, how political considerations of career hirings and firings have deeply damaged the Department of Justice, she did well. She probably has a future talk show on FOX News in the works. No there was no bombshell or smoking gun but the fact that Deputy AG McNulty has already said Goodlings testimony today was wrong shows you the vipers are quickly turning on each other. The damage has been done and it will take a new Attorney General and a new staff at main Justice as well as 93 new US Attorneys to start to repair the damage. What Goodling and the rest don't understand or don't seem to care much about is that when you run the Justice Department like the personal chew toy of the White House you run it into the ground.

P.S. I have more respect now for former AG John Ashcroft and Deputy AG James Comey then I would ever have imagined. Watch this and this and tell me if you aren't embarrassed by the Godfather-like thugs running this government. Government by "sign this" in a hospital room. Boggles the mind even more than the Democrats on the House Judiciary Committee.

A Monica by any other name is still a nightmare

Katrina used to be a popular name in America. That was before Hurricane Katrina tried to turn New Orleans into Atlantis. Brian Williams of NBC Nightly News reported last week that in 2006 only 850 baby girls were named Katrina in the U.S. Makes sense. People don't like to name their kids after something that revives unpleasant memories. After Bill Clinton's "Monica problem" arose (pun intended) I thought well, there goes Monica as a girl's name. Another Monica has been in the news lately, Monica Goodling of the Department of Justice, and I'm hoping that "Monica" drops off the baby name lists completely since I'm unimpressed by their contributions to society so far.

Monica Goodling is the absurdly young and totally unqualified graduate of Pat Robertson's law school (no I'm not kidding) who was the Department of Justice's White House liaison (earning $133,000 a year) who had near total control over the hiring and firing of everyone at DOJ. Apparently going to a fourth-tiered law school (there is no fifth tier) and doing opposition research for the Bush-Cheney campaign is all you need to take control of the Department of Justice. Monica and her Rovian masters decided to put a few thumbs on the scales of justice and set the DOJ back 30 years when then President Nixon got Robert Bork (yes that guy) to fire Archibald Cox the Special Counsel. (Attorney General Elliot Richardson and Deputy AG William Ruckelshaus resigned rather than fire Cox. Bork had no problem just following orders.)

I guess I shouldn't be shocked anymore but I am. I'm not shocked that people motivated by religion, politics and/or self-interest, with a bit of "what's the point of having power if you don't use it?" thrown in do immoral things. It's more that I'm impressed with how many different places they do these things. The Department of Justice is off-limits to politics for the day to day operations and especially for prosecutions. Another myth busted not by Mythbusters but by the usual suspects, W, Rove, Gonzales and his useful idiot Monica Goodling.

Here's how the New York Times reports how Ms. Goodling was using her time at the DOJ roughly six years after graduating from the Lord's Law School: "Two years ago, Robin C. Ashton, a seasoned criminal prosecutor at the Department of Justice, learned from her boss that a promised promotion was no longer hers. “You have a Monica problem,” Ms. Ashton was told, according to several Justice Department officials. Referring to Monica M. Goodling, a 31-year-old, relatively inexperienced lawyer who had only recently arrived in the office, the boss added, “She believes you’re a Democrat and doesn’t feel you can be trusted.” Ms. Ashton’s ouster — she left the Executive Office for United States Attorneys for another Justice Department post two weeks later — was a critical early step in a plan that would later culminate in the ouster of nine United States attorneys last year. Ms. Goodling would soon be quizzing applicants for civil service jobs at Justice Department headquarters with questions that several United States attorneys said were inappropriate, like who was their favorite president and Supreme Court justice. One department official said an applicant was even asked, “Have you ever cheated on your wife?” Ms. Goodling also moved to block the hiring of prosecutors with résumés that suggested they might be Democrats, even though they were seeking posts that were supposed to be nonpartisan, two department officials said." Hiring and firing based on political tests for career posts at Justice is against the law. No matter, laws are for other people not on a divine political mission.

The stories get worse. It seems as if the last few years at Justice has been like "Survivor: D.C." with political apparatchiks making lists of those not from the Church of W all to be sacrificed on the altar of well, Justice. Those Republicans are great at making lists. Ms. Goodling has resigned, taken the fifth (a DOJ first) and has been granted immunity before testifying to Congress. I'm sure she won't recall anything important and her fifteen minutes of infamy will soon pass. My only hope is that this finally puts and end to the name "Monica." So far I'm unimpressed with the progeny.